


i'm sorry ;; woosan

by P0RCELAINS



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, Soulmate AU, Suicide, Woosan, i think it's angst, i wrote most of this at 3am it's probably shit, implied depression, made my friend read it and she hates me now, uve been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 13:33:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18779284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/P0RCELAINS/pseuds/P0RCELAINS
Summary: a story wherein you know the last words your soulmate will ever say to you, so you don't know you met them until you lose them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello so this is my first little fic on here and it touches on depression and suicide so if you're not comfortable with that stuff i suggest you dont read this,,, have a nice day!

* * *

 

**_" i'm sorry "_ **

as far as san could remember those were the first words that have ever echoed in the back of his mind. now he was well aware of the way things worked in the world due to several stories from both his parents and grandparents about their soulmates, and he knew that he had gotten the initial taste of it.

he remembered being no more than ten years old, sitting in front of his grandmother's coffin, knowing what was happening yet not really understanding, when his grandfather slowly took a seat next to him, his expression hard to read, bordering between sad and at peace.

_"san, have you ever heard words echo in the back of your head?" his grandfather asked, but keeping his gaze straight ahead as san nodded. "have you ever wondered what those words mean?"_

_another nod to answer his question._

_"i used to hear it too, but of course mine are different from yours."_

_"what were they?" san asked, curiosity sparking up in his eyes and his grandfather finally made eye contact with him, a gentle smile forming on his face at how eager the boy was._

_"i'm going to sleep for a while." his grandfather's voice barely above a whisper. "that's what i hear— i mean, what i used to hear."_

_san felt his eyebrows furrow in confusion, not quite understanding the point of the conversation nor why they could both hear words in their heads. sensing the boy's confusion, his grandfather sighed before licking his lips, eyes faltering as if he were trying to form an explanation in his mind that was simple enough for a ten year old to understand._

_"that was the very last thing your grandmother said to me before she passed." he paused. "you see san." another pause, this one longer than the last one and san felt himself itching to know what the words meant as he sat up straighter in his seat, his gaze attentive. "the words you hear at the back of your head, they're the last words your soulmate will ever say to you."_

_san blinked twice. his expression stunned as he didn't really know what to do with the information he had just been given. he was only ten years old. he barely even knew what a soulmate was._

_"what does that mean?" he questioned his grandfather, receiving yet another half hearted sigh and gentle smile in the process._

_"it means you won't know who your soulmate is until they're gone."_

"oh--  _i'm sorry!_ " someone exclaimed immediately snapping san out of his memories and bringing his attention to the source. it didn't help how the words he had gotten were so common and every time he'd heard it had always been nothing more than a false alarm.

as he turned his head, he saw yunho holding a water bottle that was half empty, seonghwa with a partially soaked shirt, and a small puddle on the floor.

" _i'm sorry_ ," yunho repeated, his arms held out and frozen, not really knowing what to do.

the blonde simply chuckled and gave the taller boy a few pats on the back. "it's fine. it's only water after all. it'll dry."

the eight boys were all inside their practice room, in the midst of a very much needed break after endless run throughs. everyone was sweating profusely and panting to the point that the only sounds that could be heard was their heavy breathing.

"water?" san heard a voice coming from above him as he was collapsed on the cold floor, and when he opened his eyes he saw wooyoung standing over him, also sweaty and panting, but looking much more pulled together compared to the rest of them. he held a water bottle in each hand, one of them extended towards san as he sat up and accepted the drink, taking long hearty gulps to replenish himself.

"thank you," he replied softly, watching as wooyoung took a seat beside him on the floor, plopping down quite ungracefully and letting out a strained groan. and san had to fight back the blood rushing to his cheeks at their sudden proximity.

now, san wouldn't technically label himself as gay, but wooyoung seemed to have always had this effect on him. he made san feel nervous and sweaty, in some cases, way too giggly, much like a school girl with a pathetic crush. he'd always tried to ignore it, push what he was feeling to the very back of his mind, but the unwanted tingles in his body would always resurface no matter how deep he buried them inside himself. so with that, perhaps san was a little gay. just for wooyoung. the boy was simply far too pretty for his own good and san couldn't resist.

"hey san!" someone called out, a hand in front of his face, trying to haul him back into reality. "you like zoned out."

this time he allowed the blood to completely rush to his cheeks, painting his face a deep pink, and he had to hide his face in his shirt, pretending he was wiping some sweat away.

"what?" he replied after the warmth in his face had begun to die down. shit, he was even staring, how embarrassing. san wanted to die.

wooyoung opened his mouth to reply but hongjoong's voice rang out instead, most likely saying what the silver haired boy intended to.

"break's over. back to practice, boys."

~

it was about 9pm when they decided to call it a night and san watched as his six friends changed into fresh clothes and began packing their stuff, a van already downstairs waiting to take them back to the dorm.

meanwhile, wooyoung had decided to stay a little longer, wanting just a little bit more practice in order to truly perfect the dance. and san being san chose to stay as well.

"to keep wooyoung company," was the reason he had stated to their leader and hongjoong nodded, a knowing look flashing through his eyes for a split second and san had to ask himself if he had really seen it or simply imagined it.

"alright," hongjoong said. "but don't stay too long and burn yourselves out all night, alright?"

after the two younger boys nodded, only then did he walk out of the practice room door, the other boys trailing behind him already looking more than ready to get some rest back at the dorms.

"hey," wooyoung said softly and san had to keep himself from melting at the tone of his voice. the boy had always been loud, so hearing him tone it down was something quite rare. but it was nice. san liked it when wooyoung spoke softly, and it made him feel even bubblier inside that he was speaking softly to him. "thanks for staying with me, i appreciate the company."

"it's no problem. i didn't want you getting lonely,"  san replied, just as quietly.

it felt like the whole atmosphere had changed the minute they were left alone together and san both loved and hated it. the dead air was comfortable and peaceful and just being alone with wooyoung was enough to make his heart feel more alive than it ever did, but it did not put his mind at ease at all. in fact, his thoughts only grew more and more rampant the longer his gaze traced over the only other boy in the room with him.

his hair looked so soft and bounced in such gentle motions, he wanted to run his fingers through them. the way his body tensed up whenever the music got faster and the steps became more difficult, he wanted nothing more than to sit him down and massage his shoulders to relax him, and his hand was something he'd been craving to hold for the longest time. he wondered how his fingers would feel interlocked with his. oh, and his lips, he wanted to know what they felt like against his own, how he tasted—  _san, stop_.

he shook his head, as if shaking the thoughts away, but they wouldn't seem to leave his mind at all. it was almost torture, being there with him and only him, yet not being able to do anything about it. so he simply sat there, slumped against one wall, watching wooyoung dance with awe written on his face as the silver haired boy would flash him occasional smiles and playful winks every now and then, and in that moment, it was enough for san.

~

"wooyoung, we can't go up to the rooftop," san whined, trying to pry his wrist out of his friend's grasp in futile attempts because he quite enjoyed the sensation of his skin against wooyoung's. "it's restricted."

"come on, san. we're like the only one's left in the building," wooyoung replied in between excited chuckles as he continued to drag the black and red haired boy up the steps. "no one will know but us."

san cursed at himself for loving how that sounded. it was enough to convince him to let go and just allow himself to be pulled up the numerous flights of stairs until they reached a heavy-looking door that wooyoung didn't hesitate to push open, and the creaking sound that followed would remain imprinted in san's memory for a while.

it was a little after midnight and a bundle of stars were scattered throughout the dark sky like specks of glitter in the night. san couldn't help but look up and marvel at the number of them. in a city like seoul, it was always a bit of a challenge to see them as the lights from the city that never seemed to die down would often drown them out. but right there, on the rooftop with wooyoung by his side, they seemed to shine brighter than he's ever seen them before.

it was only when wooyoung pulled him forward towards the ledge that san realized he had never let go. instead, his grip had discretely slipped down from san's wrist and into his cold hand and san had to bite his tongue to keep himself from saying something stupid and ruining the moment. he just wanted to cherish this for as long as he could.

"pretty, right?" wooyoung asked, a bright smile on his face that made his eyes crinkle up at the corners. he leaned against the edge of the rooftop, looking down on what was happening on the streets below and san hummed in agreement, not trusting his voice at the moment. "i come up here a lot when things get too heavy. it's a nice place to think and calm down." he turned around to look at san and the latter nearly let out a squeak at the sudden eye contact as well as how close they were to each other. the red and black haired boy could pretty much feel wooyoung's gentle breaths tickle his skin, making him take a step back and regretting it nearly immediately after. "i kind of wanted to share it with you. this could be  _our_ place."

"o-our place?" san stuttered, his voice indeed failing him as soon as he had opened his mouth and he became hyperaware of the way wooyoung was playing with his fingers. god, he was killing him slowly.

"yeah, this could be like our safe place." wooyoung took a step forward and san was able to catch the way his gaze landed on his own lips for a split second before the silver haired boy finally let go of his hand, and san nearly whimpered at the loss of contact. and before he knew it, wooyoung was up on the ledge, balancing dangerously from god knows how many stories high and the older boy flew into panic.

"wooyoung are you crazy?" san yelled, grabbing onto the boy's pant leg by instinct, as if that alone would keep him stable and from falling off the edge. "get down from there right now!"

but wooyoung ignored his friend's pleas, continuing to walk down the narrow ledge as if it were a tightrope and san felt himself close to tears. the most dreadful of outcomes flashing through his mind like bad memories he'd rather forget. then suddenly, a strong blast of wind had come in like a slap in the face and both boys found themselves losing their balance at the magnitude of the gust

"wooyoung!" san cried as he grabbed onto the younger boy and used all his weight to pull him in the opposite direction of the gust towards the safety of the rooftop and wooyoung fell onto san with an impact that shook both their ribs, the two panting with both adrenaline and relief. and that's when san's tears really did fall as he pushed the boy off of him, his face red. "wooyoung that was so stupid! god, never do that again!" he scolded with tears streaming down his cheeks. his friend remained silent, still too shaken up to speak, but also not exactly knowing what to say to the boy who had just saved his life. and before san could process anything, he was being pulled into a hug and by the way wooyoung's shoulders rose and fell in irregular intervals, he knew he was no longer the only one crying.

" _i'm sorry_ ," wooyoung choked out between sobs, and san had to keep himself from flinching at the words as he rubbed the boy's back in an attempt to comfort him.

"it's okay, wooyoung," san whispered. "it's okay."

they stayed like that for a while, seated on the dusty rooftop, engulfed in each other's arms. san held the younger boy until his shoulders stopped shaking and until his own tears had ceased. why they didn't pull away? he didn't know, but he wasn't planning on pulling away any time soon. wooyoung was warm and the night was cold, the stars shone brightly above them and san wouldn't want to be anywhere else in that very moment. the rooftop was  _their_  safe place, but right there, in wooyoung's arms, that was  _his_.

 

* * *

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the truth was as clear as the night. even after they had parted, the red and black haired boy held the latter close to him and wooyoung laid his head of silver stardust on san's shoulder gently. their breathing had synced together in rhythmic rises and falls and they were at peace in each other's arms.
> 
> but peace never lasts long, and people always end up letting go.

 

* * *

 

 

san and wooyoung never brought up that night at the rooftop again and as time passed, it slowly slipped out of their memories, but the two still stayed behind after practices sometimes and would always go up to the rooftop as soon as midnight struck. they had grown quite inseperable, even the others had noticed, often casting either curious or knowing glances towards the two who seemed to be conjoined at the hip.

as for san, he already knew it was all over for him. he had grown far too fond of wooyoung's constant company and attention more than he'd like to admit, and with fondness comes falling. it was no question that san had fallen for wooyoung time and time again in the short period of time they had grown closer. he knew it was noticeable in his words and actions, even the look in his eyes whenever his gaze would land on the silver haired boy. it yelled  _i'm in love_. but despite their questionable closeness, wooyoung hadn't said a word, hadn't dropped any hints that indicated he felt the same way, leaving san frustrated and unable to fall asleep at the end of the night during the few times they actually did separate.

wooyoung, on the other hand, was a tangle of mixed signals. one minute he'd be holding san's hand, playing with his fingers, and leaning in much closer than he needed to, to the point that san could move half a centimeter and be able to meet the boy's lips, and the next minute, wooyoung was nothing but cold and distant from the rest of the world, too indulged in his own swirling thoughts to even acknowledge san's existence. this was the cycle they had, but no matter how tiring and utterly exasperating it got, san couldn't bring himself to stop it.

so san cherished the days when wooyoung was warm and welcoming like a home open just for him. he'd make the most of the time where their hearts felt as if they were one and tried to remember the heat of the boy's body so close to his on the days he'd grow cold. the only thing getting san through the blistering winter was the knowledge that wooyoung never stayed that way for long. he always came back around like summer in june. and when he was back to his normal state, san would be the first person he'd radiate his warmth to, often engulfing him in hugs that lasted just a little bit longer than necessary, but the elder never once complained, for he never knew how good it felt being so close to the sun.

but just like how the chill of the winter could blister, the heat of the sun could burn.

that's how it felt the first time san's lips met wooyoung's. it was an ungodly hour in the morning and the two were on the rooftop, standing side by side but not saying a word. the stars had gone into hiding that night behind some clouds, making the the night sky as blank as san's thoughts. it was one of the good days when the black and red haired boy could physically feel wooyoung's warmth radiating off of him and he knew he didn't want to be anywhere else but there in that moment.

it was soft and sweet, an indescribable kind of momentary bliss. kissing wooyoung made the absence of stars in the sky make sense as san didn't need his eyes to be open to see them. every time the boy moved his lips against his, a whole new galaxy burst into existence behind his closed eyelids and within his mind. and the moment they pulled away, the look in wooyoung's eyes made up for the loss of contact. for the first time since that night at the rooftop where san's feelings had fully bloomed, he felt like wooyoung had finally met him halfway.

"san," wooyoung breathed out, his gaze still starry and dazed.

"yes?" san replied when the other boy was taking too long to continue.

but no words were exchanged. instead, wooyoung leaned in once more to attach their lips in another tender kiss and san realized how he'd rather they burn slow than burn out. so he completely submitted himself to the painfully tempting pace, pouring out all of the emotions he had been too reluctant to tell wooyoung about, in hopes that his lips were better at translating what he was feeling in this way. because it was true that san loved wooyoung.

_he loves wooyoung._

the truth was as clear as the night. even after they had parted, the red and black haired boy held the latter close to him and wooyoung laid his head of silver stardust on san's shoulder gently. their breathing had synced together in rhythmic rises and falls and they were at peace in each other's arms.

but peace never lasts long, and people always end up letting go.

~

if san had known wooyoung's days of warmth were numbered, he would have done things differently. he would have cherished the time he had before winter came back around. the night where they had shared their first kiss was one of their last good nights, but neither of them knew it back then. in the moment, it was simply an unbelievably good night. no one ever really knows how long happiness will last until it slips through their fingers. and it seemed wooyoung had lost touch long ago.

it was a gradual shift that made its presence known over time. there were days when wooyoung was simply off, dazed and dismissive. days where he'd isolate himself, remain passive, ignore every interaction that came his way. and then there were days where san would get on his hands and knees and  _beg_  wooyoung to let him stay behind after practices because he had missed him. and on those days, the silver haired boy would plead and scream for him to go away, that he needed time alone. and, with a heavy heart, san would budge every time.

their other members had grown concerned over the two boys' relationship. all of them had tried to reach out and talk to the pair, both together and separately, to try and fix something that seemed to already be at its breaking point. nothing helped. wooyoung continued to grow colder and colder as each day passed, until he became untouchable.

and san.

he continued to trudge through the winter with his heart in his hands. he didn't want to believe how far gone wooyoung was, didn't want to give up on him and leave him out in the cold that radiated off of himself. he believed there was still a chance for spring to come around, to thaw the parts where the silver haired boy had grown cold and for new beginnings to bloom.

san tried to think back to when it had all started, retraced his steps to see what could have triggered wooyoung's eternal winter, but only one memory resurfaced.

"hey, wooyoung," san said quietly, making the silver haired boy look up from their intertwined fingers with the softest of smiles. they were once again up on the rooftop at yet another ungodly hour in the night, the stars were out, the moon was halfed, and wooyoung was the warmest he's ever been. it was their last good night.

"yeah?"

san debated the question he was about to ask, weighing the outcomes. he wasn't sure if it was a sensitive topic to bring up because he had never talked to anyone about it before, but this was wooyoung. he was the exception to everything.

"you know about the soulmate thing, right?" the red and black haired boy asked cautiously. "do you hear words at the back of your head too?"

"everyone does, san." wooyoung's expression had gone hard as stone and it felt as if all the warmth he had been radiating merely moments ago had been sucked back into him and replaced with unsettling coldness. san knew he shouldn't have asked. "it's how the universe works."

"i know. my grandfather was the one who told me about it." san didn't know why he continued the topic, didn't know why he pushed wooyoung even when he knew the boy didn't want to talk about it, didn't know what had come over him. maybe it was the feeling san had that perhaps the silver haired boy to his side was his soulmate and he never wanted to hear him apologize, because he knew that would be the end of it all. but san pushed. "what words do you hear in your head?"

"san, i really don't want to talk about it."

and pushed.

"mine are  _i'm sorry_. i hear it so much i feel like it's going to drive me to insanity."

"san please, enough."

and pushed,

"i think you're my soulmate, wooyoung."

until wooyoung had gone over the edge. and in one swift movement, their hands had been forcefully pried apart by the silver haired boy as a hard expression formed on his usually soft features, but san saw the amount of pain in his eyes more than anything else. wooyoung was scared. he knew they were soulmates too, doomed to suffer a tragic end, sealed by parting words.

"i told you to stop," wooyoung hissed, but san caught how his voice faltered and the faint glisten of his tears as they caught the light from the moon. and then he was gone.

the last thing san remembered was the familiarly unpleasent creak of the heavy rooftop door before silence followed. he was all alone now.

winter had taken over for good.

~

wooyoung didn't attend practice the next day, nor the day after that. even back at the dorms, san barely saw him. yeosang had told the black and red haired boy that wooyoung would only leave the room late at night when everyone was asleep. he didn't know where he'd go, but he'd be gone for hours on end. only until the first rays of sunlight shone through the curtains would the silver haired boy return.

it wasn't hard to tell that everyone was worried about him. but san felt the sickest of them all. he had tried to talk to him during the very few times they'd actually come face to face but wooyoung avoided san like a plague, never meeting eyes with anyone. it broke san's heart to pieces until the rest of the boys were worried for him as well.

but san knew where wooyoung would go every night. there was no doubt in his mind that he woukd stay on the rooftop until the break of dawn. it was his safe place after all.

so one night, when san heard the front door of the dorm softly close shut, he forced himself out of bed and got dressed, slipping on a coat and some shoes before walking to kq entertainment.

it was a crisp autumn evening. the chill that floated around san was undeniable. winter was near, but to him it had already arrived because not a single breeze that tickled his face could compare to the cold hollowness he could feel in his heart. and there was an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, as if nagging him that something terrible was going to happen.

he quickened his pace.

but stopped in his tracks when he felt his phone vibrate in the pocket of his coat.

 

 _incoming call_  
**_WOOYOUNG_**  
📞  
**_accept_**   _decline_

 

"h-hello?" san said into the phone upon answering, his voice failing him as soon as he opened his mouth. his hands were shaking, his heart beating a mile a minute. after days of being distant, why on earth would wooyoung decide to call him at this hour of the night? something didn't sit right.

"san," wooyoung breathed out. he sounded tired, almost as if he were panting. and san hated how the boy could simply say his name and it could already bring him to his knees. he missed his voice so much. "san, i've been so sad. i've missed you, but i-i couldn't even look at you."

the red and black haired boy shushed him gently in an attempt to calm him down. "it's okay, wooyoung. we all get sad sometimes. it'll be over soon." he paused. "are you at the company? i'll come and get you and we can walk back to the dorm together."

"no, san you don't understand." wooyoung almost sounded hopeless. "i've been  _so sad_. it's eating me alive. i want it to all end."

san started walking again, panic rising in his chest. that bad feeling coming back to nag him because this was it.

"wooyoung, please don't say that. it'll end soon, i promise just please don't do anything. stay where you are," san pleaded, already feeling the wetness on his cheeks. he hadn't even realized he was crying.

"i'll end it."

kq entertainment was only around the corner, but everything seemed to go in slow motion as san began to run, his legs cramping from the cold, but he couldn't care less. he needed to get to wooyoung. then he heard it, that unmistakable heavy creak and san could do nothing but squeeze his eyes shut, allowing more tears to fall, as he mustered up all his energy to run faster.

wooyoung was at the rooftop.

"wooyoung please don't do it."

before he knew it, he was at the stairs leading to the rooftop. he took them two at a time and not once did he pause. he pleaded for wooyoung to stop, to come down the stairs and meet him halfway, but all he got back were cracked sobs and incoherent mumbling. until he too had reached the heavy door and what he saw when he opened it made his whole world stop and shatter.

"wooyoung, please get down from there," san cried, his throat ripping raw. "please i'm begging you wooyoung. it doesn't have to be like this. it  _can't_ be like this. please!"

san took a step forward.

wooyoung took a step back.

"do you want to know what i hear at the back of my head, san?" wooyoung said, softly. the kind of soft that drove people insane. it was taunting. and wooyoung smiled through the whole thing. "i hear my name.  _wooyoung!_ "

"please, i am begging you. get down from there," san said through his teeth, but the silver haired boy didn't seem to hear it as his own tears began to trickle down his face and his expression finally faltered.

wooyoung gulped. "i hear my name. and you know what makes it worse?" the boy asked. "it's your voice, san! i've been hearing your voice in the back of my head for as long as i can remember. it haunts me, knowing that it's you. i can't take it anymore."

wooyoung took another step back until his feet were hanging off the edge and san let out one last hoarse yell, begging him to back over to safety, to him, but wooyoung simply shook his head, a contorted smile forming on his face for the last time.

"i'm sorry."

"wooyoung!"

san bolted for the ledge, trying to grab wooyoung's hand to pull him back, but their fingertips merely brushed against each other, he was too late to save. and san forced himself to look away, knowing he'll never be able to bear the sight of the boy he loves laying on the sidewalk below, broken.

and as soon as san heard the deafening impact of meat and bones on concrete. the voice in his head went silent.

san was right. wooyoung really  _was_ his soulmate.

and wooyoung was  _gone_.

 

_**end** _

 

* * *

 

 

 


End file.
